Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation.
Once more I have lost my way.
What seemed so clear and positively encouraging yesterday has been clouded back over with confusion and self-doubt.
A sense of heaviness weighed my heart down as I hurried through my morning reflection with God in order to got to my Hospice patient's home on time.
Convinced just yesterday that God was calling me to stay with this work as a family support volunteer, today I felt unsure again and questioned whether I might be mistaken.
My fluctuating and unpredictable feelings had once more rushed in creating a sea of confusion. The peace and joy of yesterday's trust in God's ongoing guidance were washed away like fragile seashells on the shore.
During this midlife time of transition, God has been shaking up a lot of things in my life that have become comfortable and familiar. I am struggling to move past my fear of change and hear where His voice is calling me beyond the chaos of my own cluttered thoughts.
I am painfully aware of the fact that there are many times my feelings and emotions cannot be completely trusted. They have led me astray repeatedly and pulled me back to the edges of depression and despair. They have caused me to question God's plan for me as I become locked in a sense of failure and hopelessness.
So as I sit here in the quiet while my patient sleeps in merciful peace, I know that I can only wait silently for God's grace to answer my cries for help in discerning the Truth.
He has never failed me and He has promised that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). He has fulfilled His promises to me so many times and His love is truly the light of my life. For that I am endlessly grateful.
So once more I must be content to sit in the darkness and wait for a glimpse of His saving light. I know that it will come. It always does - just as He has promised.