Hope

Hope. . .

Sometimes it seems so desperately far away.

We sit in our grief and pain as the loud world blares on.

Another devastating shooting and we can feel overcome by the violence, hatred and darkness.

As I turn to God's word once more, I feel a reprieve from the sadness.

     Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you so
     disquieted within me?  Hope in God; for I shall again
     praise him, my help and my God.

                                        Psalm 42:5

I remember the times God has delivered me from unrelenting pain.

     Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from 
     him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my 
     fortress, I will not be shaken.

                                        Psalm 52:5-6

I remember the times God has delivered me from utter despair.

     He gives strength to the weary and increases the power
     of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and
     young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the
     Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings 
     like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will
     walk and not be faint.

                                        Isaiah 40:29-31

I remember the days that a glimmer of light has appeared in the darkness.

     Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

                                        Romans 12:12

I remember the gifts of sunshine and laughter.

During this dark time of violence and hatred, I remember the peace God offers us.

     We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and
     secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 
     where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf.

                                        Hebrews 6:19-20

As sirens scream past with another blast of suffering, God reminds me that

     . . .you beloved, are not in darkness. . . for you are all
     children of light and of of the day. . . not of the night
     or of darkness. 

                                        1 Thessalonians 5:4, 5

God reminds me who I am called to be.

     . . .since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled 
     putting on faith and love as a breastplate and the hope
     of salvation as a helmet.

                                        1 Thessalonians 5:8

I am called to be a child of the light.

     . . . the glorious riches of this mystery, which is 
     Christ in you, the hope of glory

                                        Colossians 1:27

  

Wiping away the Dust

My soul clings to the dust; revive me according to your will.
                                                          Psalm 119:25

Some days my soul clings to the dust that covers it - the residue of the world and my sin that dim the brightness of God's light within me.

A hazy film clouds my vision and I cannot see the beauty of a creation filled with God's fingerprints.

My soul melts from heaviness; strengthen me according to your word.
                                                          Psalm 119:28

The pain of this world crushes me with its relentless death and destruction.  The heaviness of surrounding  hatred melts my soul's resolve to be a light in the darkness.

The psalmist reminds us of one of the most powerful ways to overcome this devastating darkness - the power of God's word.  As the Holy Spirit guides us, we are given words of hope, encouragement and strength.  We are reminded of the unchanging truth - God's love never fails.  That love always rises above the dust and ashes of death and gives us new life in Christ.

I will run the course of your commandments; for you shall enlarge my heart.
                                                         Psalm 119:32

God will give us the strength to run our course no matter how steep or rocky the trail may be.  He will enlarge our hearts as we abide in him and give us his own Spirit to guide and strengthen us.  He may even send angels to attend us when we feel we can't take another step. In the wilderness when Elijah wanted to die  in  exhaustion and despair,  God sent an angel to renew his hope.

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you."  So he got up and ate and drank.  Strengthened by that food, he traveled  forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.
                                                          I Kings 19:7-9

Feelings may deceive us but the truth is that we are never alone and we will never be abandoned.  No matter how bleak the future appears, God's love goes before us and his presence lights the way.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
                                                         Psalm 46:1-3

The Promise of Prayer

Sometimes the work of prayer feels completely overwhelming.

Where do I start?

How do I know what to pray?

How do I remember everyone's requests?

How do I know if I'm doing it "right"?

These are just a few of the questions that weigh on me in my walk of faith.

We can exhaust ourselves by focusing on the questions and what we "should" do while forgetting that we are powerless in our own strength.

The real work of prayer comes from God.  He alone knows the answer each prayer needs which we cannot see in our limited understanding.  Paul reminds us in Romans that even when we don't know how to pray, the Spirit prays for us:

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words.
                                                                  Romans 8:26

It's not all up to us.  We are not alone.

Consequently he is able for all time to save those who approach God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for (us).
                                                                    Hebrews 7:25

The one thing He asks of us is that we bring a heart of compassion to our brothers and sisters who are hurting or in need.

Those prayers may be simple everyday actions of caring for those we love (including ourselves) with our hearts focused on the unfailing love and inexhaustible mercy of God.

Those prayers may be worship and gratitude.

Those prayers may be a loving presence to someone in need.

Those prayers may be listening.

Those prayers may be our life itself.

Spiritual writer Henri Nouwen shares his insightful understanding of prayer:

"But when we learn to descend with our mind into our heart, then all those who have become part of our lives are led into the healing presence of God and are touched by God in the center of our being.  We are speaking here about a mystery for which words are inadequate.  It is the mystery that the heart, which is the center of our being, is transformed . . . into God's own heart, a heart large  enough to embrace the entire universe."
                                                                      The Way of the Heart

Our responsibility is to be present to the pain around us and hold those needs in our hearts.  God can then transform them into His perfect will which  far exceeds our comprehension.

As our relationship with God deepens, He delights to lead us toward the seemingly impossible goal of praying without ceasing.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.                                
                                                                     1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Only Right Thing to Do

Shame, guilt and fear.

Those three words have stolen so much of the joy out of my life, but thank God,  He is restoring me to sanity one small step at a time.

These destructive demons crouch in the shadow of my thoughts, ready to spring up with the slightest provocation.

Maybe it's a decision I've made - fear jumps in and fires the quiver full of questions:

     What if I made the "wrong" choice?
     What if I hurt _____'s feelings?
     What will people think?
     And on and on it goes. . .

I could spend my entire lifetime researching and analyzing all the facts about a single decision but I still wouldn't know with complete certainty that I had made the "right" decision.

And then there's shame and guilt.

I came across the phrase "Shame on you." yesterday in a devotional (!) reading.  Those words hit me in the gut and made me feel physically sick.  I thought of the many times I had heard that phrase in my life - probably most of the time in my own head.  But I specifically remember a time in the not so distant past when a relative came to visit and actually spoke the words:  "Shame on you for staying home with all this education you have."

 I was devastated and those words still haunt me and caused me to question whether staying home was the "right" decision.  As if my life can only be acceptable if I get it right.

The guilt holds hands with the shame as they stand against me staring with cold, disapproving eyes.  The net they cast sometimes feels impossible to escape - all its threads twisting and trapping me in confusion as I try to figure out the "right" thing to do.

Thank God, He has shown me the only right thing to do.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.
                                                                                             Matthew 22:37-38

So simple to say but so difficult to actually live out.  In our own strength it is impossible.

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
                                                                                              Matthew19:26

We are not alone in this battle.

We have an unfailing ally:

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth.  He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is to come.  He will bring glory to me by taking what is mine and making it known to you.
                                                                                               John 16:13-14

May we all have the grace to hear His voice.

Waiting

Look to the Lord and his strength;  seek his face always.
                                                  Psalm 105:4

. . . the sheep hear his (Jesus) voice.  He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.
                                                   John10:3

Listening for the voice of God who is Love helps us defeat our fears.
                                                   Karla Kincannon
                                                    Creativity and Divine Surprise


I love the "good" days.  Life seems lighter somehow and problems are put in their proper perspective in God's great scheme of things.

But then there are the "bad" days . . .
I feel weighed down by the unfathomable problems of the world and my own problems seem to expand exponentially.

All previous perspective has flown away to a place I can't find.

I try all the disciplines that have brought back peace and clarity in the past.

     Meditation and prayer

     God's Word

     Exercise

     Inspiring and encouraging books

     Music

     Gardening

     Sharing with someone close

     Service

     Gratitude

But some days (like yesterday!)  none of those things seem to help.  I feel frustrated and powerless that I can't seem to manage my thoughts and emotions.  Then I remember.  I am powerless in my own strength.

The first of the 12 steps in Celebrate Recovery reminds me that "we (are) powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives (have) become unmanageable."

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
                                                  Romans 7:18

I remember the second step - "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I have to let go, surrender and trust remembering that God loves and accepts me no matter where I am or what I do.  My task now is to wait upon the Lord.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
                                                  Isaiah 40:29-31

These words from Pope Francis in his book The Church of Mercy comfort and remind me that he always looks on me with love:

Let us also remember Peter: three times he denied Jesus, precisely when he should have been closest to him.  And when he hits rock bottom, he meets the gaze of Jesus who patiently, wordlessly says to him, "Peter, don't be afraid of your weakness, trust in me."  Peter understands, he feels the loving gaze of Jesus, and he weeps.  How beautiful is this gaze of Jesus - how much tenderness is there!  Brothers and sisters, let us never lose trust in the patience and mercy of God!

      

Connecting at the Cross

Our crosses connect us.

The things that break us bring us together.

In our humanness, we do all we can to avoid pain and suffering.  We forget that suffering is what connects us to the body of Christ.  As Richard Rohr says, "The suffering that we carry is our solidarity with the one, universal longing of all humanity, and thus it can teach us great compassion for and patience with both ourselves and others (see Colossians 1:24)."

In suffering and pain we come face to face with our powerlessness.  Even though we are powerless over certain circumstances, we still have a choice.

We have the choice to fight and rail against the pain, thus intensifying it, or to accept the suffering knowing that ultimately it will lead to resurrection and new life.

Being forced to confront our control and self-will is one of the most difficult challenges we ever have to face.

 Trusting that God is faithful and causes all things to work together  for good (Romans 8:28) seems impossible in the midst of tragedy and death.  Just as Jesus cried out on the cross, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46), we feel alone and forsaken in our suffering and pain.  But because of Jesus' sacrifice for us, we will never be forsaken no matter how we feel.  The power of the Holy Spirit which raised Jesus from the grave is also at work in us to bring new life to our shattered dreams and lives.

In God's kingdom, the way down is the way up.

All who exalt themselves will be humbled.  Matthew 23:12

Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.  Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there will my servant be also.  Whoever serves me, the Father will honor.  John 12:24-26

So the way to follow the Suffering Servant is by being willing to suffer ourselves.

It will not be easy.

We will be tempted to lose heart.

We must cling to Paul's words:
Therefore, since it is by God's mercy that we are engaged in this ministry, we do not lose heart.
2 Corinthians 4:1

Ultimately our body mind, heart and soul will receive complete healing from our true healer - Jesus Christ.

Alleluia!

Hope for Healing Our Wounds

 We live in a world that wounds.

Our wounds occur in countless ways.
These wounds might come from stinging words or harsh judgments, deception or betrayal, accusation or abandonment, loss or failure . . .

Whatever the different causes, we have all been wounded at some point in one way or another.

Our difficult but worthy challenge is to move past our wounds and into wholeness and peace.

 One of God's names is Jehovah Shalom.  Although we usually think of shalom as peace, the Hebrew meaning was much broader.  It essentially meant  to be whole or complete and living in abundance and freedom.

This demanding challenge may take a lifetime as we go through the peaks and valleys of our journey.

But during this journey, God can use our wounds to allow us to share in the sufferings of the world and bring hope to those He places in our lives.

God calls us to
     encourage one another and build each other up.  
       1 Thessalonians 5:11

He asks us to share in His suffering.  Paul encourages us with his own powerful example:

 I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his 
sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Philippians 3:10-11

If we are willing, God gives us the courage to confront and conquer the dead places in our lives  caused by our wounds.  Beyond our suffering we are given the promise of new life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!  All this is from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ and has given us the ministry of reconciliation:  that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ.
 2 Corinthians 5:17-19

This process is neither easy nor quick but it is possible with the unfailing mercy of God in Christ to guide and sustain us.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God,
Colossians 3:1-3

Peace and blessings to you as you journey toward hope and healing.


   
   

Courage to Encourage

...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.  And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given to us.
Romans 5:3-5

Rejoice in our sufferings?

Those words sound like a crazy impossibility.  Our human instinct warns us to run from our sufferings and find the quickest way out to healing and peace.

Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
1 Corinthians 1:20

So many times we cannot see through the veil and understand what God is doing.

We are tempted to throw up our hands in defeat or despair and forget that God's ways are not our ways.

We think we know the best outcomes for the struggles we encounter but we forget that our wisdom is limited.

...we preach Christ crucified; a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.  For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the power of God is stronger than man's strength.
1 Corinthians 1:23-25

Our world preaches ease and comfort but we are to preach Christ crucified.

We are called to face pain and suffering with faith instead of fear.

Our flesh screams that this is wrong, unfair, awful.  And though the trials we are called to endure may indeed feel awful to us at the time, God promises to work all things together for good if we love him.

Trusting God during times of pain, difficulty, and confusion is impossible without faith.  And holding on to our faith may end up becoming another exhausting struggle.  But we must cling to the promise that we are never alone.

"Just as courage is faith in good, so discouragement is faith in evil, and, while courage opens the door to good, discouragement opens it to evil"
Hannah Whitall Smith

We are called to be courageous in the face of things we do not understand.

Our trust that God is good despite our discouraging circumstances becomes the cornerstone upon which our faith and courage begin to grow stronger.  Our task becomes the willingness to surrender faith in our own wisdom and knowledge and place it instead on the promises God gives us in his word.

Simple? Yes.

Easy? Definitely not!

Jesus leaves us with these surprisingly simple instructions:

The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.
John 6:29

Encouraging our brothers and sisters is critical to this process.  We need each other and we each have something to offer whether we believe it or not.  Jesus only asks us to offer what little we have.  His Holy Spirit transforms it into the unlimited power of God.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

Keys to the Prison

 "Life is difficult."

These are the opening words of Dr. Scott Peck's bestselling book The Road Less Traveled.

I have spent many years running from this truth.
Based on my experiences, I am not alone.

We think we can avoid the hard truth by pretending it's not there.
This is called denial.

We think we can escape it through various addictions - food, alcohol, shopping, social media - just to name a few.
This is called bondage.

We can  blame others.
"If only ______ would change then I could be happy."
This is called codependency.
Ultimately we have no control over certain circumstances or how others behave.

Many of us sink into depression at this point as I did.  For more than 20 years I have battled this insidious disease.  I have learned many things.

Learning skills and insights from Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Logotherapy,  and the new exciting research in neuroscience have all been a part of my search for wholeness and healing.

Medication under a psychiatrist's careful supervision has been another essential part of the journey -
as have food, exercise, sleep, sunlight, family and friends.

But none of those things has ever been able to completely set me free.

I'm learning that only God can do that.

Surrender, acceptance and soaking in God's Word are the keys to escape the prison.

I am powerless over many things but when I "let go and let God" I am given a new strength far beyond my own limitations.

Those who hope in the in the Lord
 will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
  they will  run and not grow weary,
  they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

I am learning one day at a time to trust in the Lord with all my heart.

I am learning that He doesn't expect me to deal with this alone.
He surrounds me with the perfect resources when I need them
(although at times I am blind to them).

That's where trust comes in.
There are many times we may feel alone.
Our feelings can easily mislead us and blind our eyes to the truth -
the unfailing truth:

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
Matthew 28:2

Despite our doubt.

Despite our darkness.

Despite our feelings.

Despite our failure and frustration.

Despite anything.

We are never alone.

Our God is with us.

ALWAYS

Waiting for Spring

My beloved speaks to me and says to me:  "Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away; for  now the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

                                                               Song of Solomon 2:10-12

The gifts of joy and spring are intertwined in my mind.

After the long cold winter my heart rejoices to see the first tiny hints of green appear.

My sense of hope and joy grows stronger as the resurrection of spring begins and all of life seems fresh and new.

Waiting for those first signs of new life requires the difficult discipline of patience.  Our faith in God requires that same patience.

In his book, Sacred Waiting, David Timms says:  "We will only wait on Him with joy if we have deep confidence in His love for us."

Just as we have confidence that spring will arrive in its perfect time, we are called to trust that the same is true of God.

There are dark days in the midst of winter when it seems as if spring will never come.  But our thoughts and emotions are not always truth.  Spring will return eventually despite how we may feel.

There are also dark times during our journey of faith, especially times of deep suffering and pain,  when we may not feel God's love.  But the truth is that God's love never fails.  Our feelings may fail us but God's love never does.

In Romans Paul proclaims that "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39

The journey of faith takes great patience and perseverance.  There may be times when we lose our way and feel forsaken.  Joy may be nowhere in sight.  Those are the times we must have confidence that God's love will prevail.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.  Ecclesiastes 3:1

Some seasons may bring joy and some may bring pain but they are all part of the cycle of death and new life.  

In whatever season we may find ourselves, we can trust in God's goodness and His unfailing love which will never end.

Waiting in Silence

Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation.
                                 
                                                                     Psalm 62:1

Once more I have lost my way.

What seemed so clear and positively encouraging yesterday has been clouded back over with confusion and self-doubt.

A sense of heaviness weighed my heart down as I hurried through my morning reflection with God in order to got to my Hospice patient's home on time.

Convinced just yesterday that God was calling me to stay with this work as a family support volunteer, today I felt unsure again and questioned whether I might be mistaken.


My fluctuating and unpredictable feelings had once more rushed in creating a sea of confusion.  The peace and joy of yesterday's trust in God's ongoing guidance were washed away like fragile seashells on the shore.


During this midlife time of transition, God has been shaking up a lot of things in my life that have become comfortable and familiar.  I am struggling to move past my fear of change and hear where His voice is calling me beyond the chaos of my own cluttered thoughts.


I am painfully aware of the fact that there are many times my feelings and emotions cannot be completely trusted.  They have led me astray repeatedly and pulled me back to the edges of depression and despair.  They have caused me to question God's plan for me as I  become locked in a sense of failure and hopelessness.

So as I sit here in the quiet while my patient sleeps in merciful peace, I know that I can only wait silently for God's grace to answer my cries for help in discerning the Truth.

He has never failed me and He has promised that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).  He has fulfilled His promises to me so many times and His love is truly the light of my life.  For that I am endlessly grateful.

So once more I must be content to sit in the darkness and wait for a glimpse of His saving light.  I know that it will come.  It always does - just as He has promised.

From Darkness to Joy

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
                                                                      I Thessalonians 5:16-18

There are times when joy seems impossible . . .

                                                     - times of uncertainty

                                                     - times of loss

                                                     - times of fear

                                                     - times of sickness

                                                     - times of despair

It IS impossible to be joyful at such times in our own strength.

But through the power of prayer, God makes the impossible possible.

He reminds us to focus on all that is still good in our lives . . .
                                                   
                                                     - family

                                                     - friends

                                                     - freedom

                                                     - food and shelter

                                                     - His unending and unfailing love and forgiveness

During my own struggles with depression and loss, there have been times when I felt completely abandoned and cut off from God.

But I know those feelings are not Truth.  They are only stealthily whispered lies of the enemy of my soul attempting to drag me away from the Light.

I have felt the fear and discouragement of David in Psalm 30:  "when you hid your face, I was dismayed." (v.7)

Like David, I have cried out, "Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help." (v.10)

And God has always answered my plea.  Maybe not always instantaneously.  Maybe not in a way I was able to recognize at first.  But always in His own perfect way and timing.

He has "turned my wailing into dancing . . . removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to  you and not be silent." (vv.11-12)

I know there will be more times when "weeping may remain for a night" but I also know I can trust that "rejoicing comes in the morning." (v.5)

God has given me all the instructions I need to find my way out of the darkness - unceasing prayer and gratitude.  I pray for His grace to live it out in my life.

Light in the Darkness

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
                                                                 
                                                                          John 8:12


I've spent a lot of time walking in darkness . . .

                        - the darkness of sin

                        - the darkness of my distorted thoughts

                        - the darkness of depression and despair

But in all my darkest times there has always been a light.

Sometimes the light is completely hidden for a time.  And sometimes it it is so faint that I can barely see it.

But I am learning more and more that even when I can't see it,  the Spirit within me knows it's there.

I am learning to hold on even during the darkest nights because I've seen over and over again that the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:5)

Even in my deepest doubt and despair the light flickers in my darkened heart like a tiny pilot light that only God can see.

As God foretold in Isaiah about the coming Savior - a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.  (Isaiah 42:3)

I am learning to trust in the darkness because Jesus promises that whoever lives in the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. (John 3:21)

I am learning that when I cling to His truth He will lead me back into the light of life for He is the light of the world.

A Prayer of Letting Go

Great God of Love,

Forgive me for my feeble attempts to control Your world that I so often don't understand.

Forgive me for the arrogance that convinces me that my way is right.

Forgive me for the impatience of my ignorant demands and childish whims.

Forgive me for my careless words of manipulation and deceit.

Fill me with Your Spirit of grace and truth.

Fill me with the hope of trust and stubborn faith.

Fill me with the evidence of things not seen.

Fill me with the love and freedom held out to me with bloodied hands.

Fill me with the promise that all things work together for good for those who love You.

Fill my heart to overflowing with acceptance, gratitude and praise.

Amen.

With all my Heart

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
                                                                       Proverbs 3:5-6

Wholehearted.

That's the word I chose to be my focus for the year 2013.  I felt as if too many of my efforts had become half-hearted.

I want to live fully committed and greet each day with gratitude and hope.

In my own strength that is impossible.  My flesh fails again and again and I become disheartened and discouraged.

My strength must come from abiding in the vine and living through the power of the Holy Spirit.

If I know this, then why can't I remember to live it out?

The distractions of the world lure me away from the truth and I fall victim to the lies. . .

     -lies that I can do it myself

     -lies that I have to be perfect

     -lies that I have to win others' approval

     -lies that I will never be good enough

     -lies that things should be easy

The lies can only be defeated by trusting in the truth of God's Word - with all my heart.

I may not always understand.
He tells me not to lean on my own understanding.

He alone is sufficient and I can trust Him - with all my heart.

It may not be easy.
I will have to cling to the promises in faith even when my thoughts and feelings rebel.

But I will not lose hope.
He has promised He will never leave me or forsake me.

He has told me to trust Him - with all my heart.
And with His grace, I will.


   

Clutter to Contentment

But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.  But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.
                                                                          1 Timothy 6:6-8

I'm still stuck in the process of learning that things - no matter how beautiful or special - will never be able to give me the contentment that can only be found in Christ.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with beautiful or special things.  They can add enjoyment and pleasure to our lives.

But they can never bring us lasting happiness.  They can never take the place of God - not without terrible consequences.

Advertisers promise that the next new "it" item is all we need to be happy and fulfilled.  We're told that we need this new and improved version of "it" to stay connected and current.

The reality is that there is no "it" that can ever fully satisfy our souls.  Only the Prince of Peace can do that.

Why is this so hard for us to understand?

Why are we drawn like Magpies to the next bright and shiny new object?

We'll never find what we are searching for in the temporary things of this world.  No matter how beautiful or exciting, they will all pass away.  The Love that is the great source of us all is the only thing that will remain.

True contentment will never come from the clutter of worldly possessions. We will only find lasting peace when we loosen our grip on the things of this world and cling to Christ who holds all things together (Colossians 1:17).  In the end that's all that really matters.

Open the Eyes of My Heart

O Lord, open his eyes so he may see.
                                         2 Kings 6:17

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.
                                         Ephesians1:18-19

The more I seek God's face, the more He opens my eyes that I might see.

Even more astounding, He continues to open the eyes of my heart wider and wider with each passing day.

I feel the sense of His incomparably great power in my life as He strengthens me to become more and more confident in Him.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
                                         1 John 4:4

I have tried for so long to free myself from the chains of my addictions and obsessions.  In my own strength I am ultimately powerless.  My strength is too weak to overcome the power of the sin.

But God's strength is not.  As long as I cling to Him in faith, hope and love, He will not fail me.

I may stumble and fall but He is there beside me gently encouraging me to brush myself off and stand firmly beside Him once again.

The Practice of New Habits

In my own struggle to develop healthier habits I have often turned to the wise words of Portia Nelson's poem:

I walk down the street.
   There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I fall in.
    I am lost . . . I am helpless.
        It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
   There is a deep  hole in the sidewalk.
    I pretend I don't see it.
    I fall in again.
 I can't believe I am in the same place.
           But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
   There is a deep hole in the  sidewalk.
   I see it is there.
   I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
          My eyes are open.
          I know where I am.
   It is my fault.
   I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
   There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
   I walk around it.

I walk down another street.


This has been the story of my life for the last twenty years.

Over and over I've determined to set boundaries and over and over again I have failed.

I don't want to hurt other people.

I don't want to cause pain.

I don't know how to say what I really need to say.

So I've fallen into the hole of sweet compliance again and again at the expense of my true self.

I see now, on the verge of turning 50, that I can't continue to live a life only dedicated to pleasing other people.  Pleasing God?  Yes.  Other people?  Sometimes.  Myself?  As long as I'm not causing harm to others.

I have to live the life I am called to live - not necessarily the life that those around me would like me to live.

I'm sure there are times when I will walk down the wrong street and maybe even fall into the hole again.  But I also know that I have the strength and the courage to climb out.  And I'm grateful for that freedom.

Trust Beyond Reason

Losing my baby brother at the age of 27 was the deepest pain I've ever had to endure.

Not far behind was the death of my dear sister in Christ  to breast cancer two months to the day before my brother was killed.

My world and my faith were turned upside down.

Struggling with depression and questions that had no answers, I felt totally alone and abandoned by God.  How could this God I'd grown to love and trust in the past several years allow such terrible tragedies to occur to two of the best and most loving people I knew in His creation?

I still don't know the answer to that question but one thing I do know in my heart is the truth of these words from Romans 8:28:

                    And we know that in all things God works for the good of those
                     who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Against all logic and reason my faith has only continued to deepen in strength over the last 13 years.

Our family has continued to struggle with grief but we have also grown closer to each other than we ever would have otherwise.

I have learned that God is too big to ever fit in my (or anyone else's) carefully constructed box.

I don't want to make it sound like it was a quick and easy (or finished) process because it wasn't.

But in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul I know that out of the worst and most confusing situation in my life, my faith in God and my recognition of His unfathomable mystery has been the one thing that has sustained me.

Even though this world can be a dark and scary place, I now trust the One who made it.  He alone can make all things new.

I will trust in Him and not be afraid.

Burning My Plow

What is the plow that I need to burn?

God is calling me - calling each one of us - to something new.

But before we can find out what that wonderful new thing is, we have to burn the plows of the past  as Elisha did in the Old Testament.

I long for the joy and freedom of the new - the true call of God's desire for my life - but I find it so hard to burn the plow of approval and people-pleasing that has driven so much of my past.

I like to make people happy.

I like to be "nice".

I don't like to make waves.

I don't like conflict.

I don't like change.

I like easy and comfortable.

I just want to be a sweet and agreeable Southern girl.

Isn't that who the world wants/needs me to be?

That may be convenient and pleasant but somehow I don't think it lines up with the greater life that God is calling me to live.

I pray for the courage and the faith to push forward through the resistance, the fog, the darkness and the doubt,  trusting that my obedience will lead me into the glorious light of freedom and truth.